Internet website Moviehole (not to be confused with “glory hole,” which is where I can be found every weeknight until dawn, or until the State Troopers kick me out of the rest-stop men’s room, whichever comes first) posted this story today about a new movie from the “creative” “minds” of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, or Friedberg/Seltzer as they’re collectively known to people who prefer surnames. In case you aren’t aware, the aforementioned writing/directing team was responsible for some of the most reprehensible pieces of corn-riddled feces ever captured on celluloid and sprayed across multiplex silver screens like a fetid paramecium-spawned Jackson Pollock diarrhea squirt. Hyperbole? Nah, check out their IMDB. The basic Friedberg/Seltzer formula is this: take scenes from handful of unrelated recent movies, pepper in some lame pop culture references that only Insane Clown Posse fans and their obese TMZ-watching moms would find funny, throw in a couple of celebrity impersonators (and by “celebrity” we mean whatever pointless tabloid-hooker was last seen vomiting all over her distended cooch outside of Les Deux/Hyde/LAX), hand it all over to a chimp, bang the chimp’s head in with a hammer until he has severe brain damage, force the chimp at gunpoint to type 80 pages into Final Draft, then shoot those pages the next day – someplace cheap, like Louisiana, where you can do the movie “for cost” – and voila! You’ve got an unwatchable sub-retarded piece of excrement that for reasons that are unfathomable (my hunch: subliminal Satanic back-masking), people will actually pay to watch.

Their next masterpiece will be a spoof of all those Superbad-type movies that came out last year, you know, like Superbad and, uh… hmm… Superbad. Yeah that’s right, Friedberg and Seltzer can’t be bothered to spoof entire genres anymore (as they at least kinda-sorta attempted to do with their Date and Epic [barf] movies); now they throw a dart at a list of movies that made over $100 million the year previous and spoof whatever title it lands on. But here’s the kicker: Superbad was a fucking COMEDY. A FUNNY comedy. How do you spoof a comedy that’s already funnier than anything you could muster? I guess by making it unfunny? Which will surely be the end result, but I’m guessing will not be the intent (as Friedberg/Seltzer, along with most unfunny people, no doubt find themselves HILARIOUS), and so anyone unlucky enough to have to sit through this thing in its entirely – like Lou Gehrig’s patients with sadistic care-givers, or Gitmo Bay torture victims, or movie critics – will have to bear the full frontal assault of a multitude of crass, pointless gags that it would be physically impossible for ANYONE to laugh at (outside the authors, and delusional schizophrenics who’d be laughing at the voices in their heads anyway). As a matter of fact, shooting on the atrocity (brilliantly entitled Goodie Two Shoes) starts THIS MONTH in Louisiana (hey, lucky guess!) which means this thing is pretty much fucking inevitable.

Unless someone – anyone – everyone – steps up to the plate and DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Look, it’s obvious that we can’t trust the general public to vote with their dollars; every time a Friedberg/Seltzer movie comes out, enough damn 15-year-old Mountain-Dew-addicted chuckle-fucks put down their PS3 controllers and waddle down to their local suburban wasteland googleplex to cost-justify the NEXT Friedberg/Seltzer movie (and by the way, if this sounds like your kid I urge you to SMOTHER HIM IN HIS SLEEP). Something must be done! Short of advocating their murder (which I would never do *nudge-wink*), I urge YOU, the defenders of TASTE, to do ANYTHING WITHIN YOUR MEANS to stop Friedberg and Seltzer before they can sodomize our culture again. Disrupt production. Taint the food on the craft services table. Over-expose the dailies. If you have the means, it is your duty as a member of the human race to STOP FRIEDBERG AND SELTZER’S NEXT MOVIE FROM HAPPENING.

I know some of these things might technically be “illegal.” But look at it this way: If you had a time machine, and you knew you could go back in time and kill Hitler, stopping World War II and the Holocaust before they happened… would you do it? Of course you would. Well this is more important than that. But if you’re one of those cowards who finds legally questionable actions distasteful, then the least you could do is call up the studio (which in this case is apparently Lionsgate… you lucked out, Blaine) and ask them to HALT PRODUCTION in the name of GOOD TASTE. Write them letters. Send them nasty emails. Do whatever it is you have to do. Because if you don’t, you’re just as guilty as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

LIONSGATE FILM GROUP
2700 Colorado Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90404
Phone: 310-449-9200
Fax: 310-255-3870
general-inquiries@lionsgate.com

If you’re a Lousiana resident, contact your local film board to let them know how much this film’s potential existence offends you.

Physical Address:
1051 North 3rd Street
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70802

Mailing Address:
Post Office Box 94185
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70804-9185

Office Phone: 225.342.5403
Office Fax: 225.342.5554

Otherwise, Goodie Two Shoes films in Louisiana April 28 through June 6.

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