Friedberg and Seltzer must be stopped (and you can help)
Internet website Moviehole (not to be confused with “glory hole,” which is where I can be found every weeknight until dawn, or until the State Troopers kick me out of the rest-stop men’s room, whichever comes first) posted this story today about a new movie from the “creative” “minds” of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, or Friedberg/Seltzer as they’re collectively known to people who prefer surnames. In case you aren’t aware, the aforementioned writing/directing team was responsible for some of the most reprehensible pieces of corn-riddled feces ever captured on celluloid and sprayed across multiplex silver screens like a fetid paramecium-spawned Jackson Pollock diarrhea squirt. Hyperbole? Nah, check out their IMDB. The basic Friedberg/Seltzer formula is this: take scenes from handful of unrelated recent movies, pepper in some lame pop culture references that only Insane Clown Posse fans and their obese TMZ-watching moms would find funny, throw in a couple of celebrity impersonators (and by “celebrity” we mean whatever pointless tabloid-hooker was last seen vomiting all over her distended cooch outside of Les Deux/Hyde/LAX), hand it all over to a chimp, bang the chimp’s head in with a hammer until he has severe brain damage, force the chimp at gunpoint to type 80 pages into Final Draft, then shoot those pages the next day – someplace cheap, like Louisiana, where you can do the movie “for cost” – and voila! You’ve got an unwatchable sub-retarded piece of excrement that for reasons that are unfathomable (my hunch: subliminal Satanic back-masking), people will actually pay to watch.
Their next masterpiece will be a spoof of all those Superbad-type movies that came out last year, you know, like Superbad and, uh… hmm… Superbad. Yeah that’s right, Friedberg and Seltzer can’t be bothered to spoof entire genres anymore (as they at least kinda-sorta attempted to do with their Date and Epic [barf] movies); now they throw a dart at a list of movies that made over $100 million the year previous and spoof whatever title it lands on. But here’s the kicker: Superbad was a fucking COMEDY. A FUNNY comedy. How do you spoof a comedy that’s already funnier than anything you could muster? I guess by making it unfunny? Which will surely be the end result, but I’m guessing will not be the intent (as Friedberg/Seltzer, along with most unfunny people, no doubt find themselves HILARIOUS), and so anyone unlucky enough to have to sit through this thing in its entirely – like Lou Gehrig’s patients with sadistic care-givers, or Gitmo Bay torture victims, or movie critics – will have to bear the full frontal assault of a multitude of crass, pointless gags that it would be physically impossible for ANYONE to laugh at (outside the authors, and delusional schizophrenics who’d be laughing at the voices in their heads anyway). As a matter of fact, shooting on the atrocity (brilliantly entitled Goodie Two Shoes) starts THIS MONTH in Louisiana (hey, lucky guess!) which means this thing is pretty much fucking inevitable.
Unless someone – anyone – everyone – steps up to the plate and DOES SOMETHING ABOUT IT. Look, it’s obvious that we can’t trust the general public to vote with their dollars; every time a Friedberg/Seltzer movie comes out, enough damn 15-year-old Mountain-Dew-addicted chuckle-fucks put down their PS3 controllers and waddle down to their local suburban wasteland googleplex to cost-justify the NEXT Friedberg/Seltzer movie (and by the way, if this sounds like your kid I urge you to SMOTHER HIM IN HIS SLEEP). Something must be done! Short of advocating their murder (which I would never do *nudge-wink*), I urge YOU, the defenders of TASTE, to do ANYTHING WITHIN YOUR MEANS to stop Friedberg and Seltzer before they can sodomize our culture again. Disrupt production. Taint the food on the craft services table. Over-expose the dailies. If you have the means, it is your duty as a member of the human race to STOP FRIEDBERG AND SELTZER’S NEXT MOVIE FROM HAPPENING.
I know some of these things might technically be “illegal.” But look at it this way: If you had a time machine, and you knew you could go back in time and kill Hitler, stopping World War II and the Holocaust before they happened… would you do it? Of course you would. Well this is more important than that. But if you’re one of those cowards who finds legally questionable actions distasteful, then the least you could do is call up the studio (which in this case is apparently Lionsgate… you lucked out, Blaine) and ask them to HALT PRODUCTION in the name of GOOD TASTE. Write them letters. Send them nasty emails. Do whatever it is you have to do. Because if you don’t, you’re just as guilty as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.
LIONSGATE FILM GROUP
2700 Colorado Ave.
Santa Monica, CA 90404
Phone: 310-449-9200
Fax: 310-255-3870
general-inquiries@lionsgate.com
If you’re a Lousiana resident, contact your local film board to let them know how much this film’s potential existence offends you.
Physical Address:
1051 North 3rd Street
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70802
Mailing Address:
Post Office Box 94185
Baton Rouge, Louisiana 70804-9185
Office Phone: 225.342.5403
Office Fax: 225.342.5554
Otherwise, Goodie Two Shoes films in Louisiana April 28 through June 6.
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10 Comments, Comment or Ping
Big John
*eyeroll* Someone else pissed on the internet. Get over yourself. Some people like spoof films and they have a use outside of your narrow-minded scope.
Apr 2nd, 2008
CMAC
Thank you, Big John, for pointing out the obvious; people like spoof films. People like myself for instance. Airplane!, Naked Gun, Kentucky Fried Movie, and of course the masterworks of Mel Brooks… many spoofs rank among my favorite films.
However I would be hesitant to lump those films in with whatever the hell it is Friedberg and Seltzer do. They don’t truly “spoof” anything. They rehash sound-bites, regurgitate references and catchphrases like those annoying twits who still thought saying “groovy baby” was funny eight months after Austin Powers came out. Don’t think for a second that I’m pointing a finger at the spoof genre. I’m pointing a finger at two untalented wastes of oxygen who are devolving our culture and paving the way for a master-race of retards who are incapable of processing information, like you. That they’ve chosen spoof films as their milieu is inconsequential. If they made verite documentaries about Eastern European agricultural practices it would be no less an offense to humanity.
So, in conclusion, go mouth-rape a shotgun. You just logged onto a website and defended those fucktards. What does that make you?
Apr 2nd, 2008
db
I think that makes him a defender of fucktards. See what I did there Tal?
Apr 3rd, 2008
TL
This article wins both for it’s bashing of the Friedberg-Seltzer shitfests, and for using the term “mountain-dew-addicted-chucklefuck’.
Apr 20th, 2008
Pac
Hey now, I’m schizophrenic, and I too despise these movies as much as anyone with an IQ above 80.
May 30th, 2008
jose colon
you guys need to be stop because you guys make the worst movies and doing your jobs and get a new job because you guys suck period
Aug 30th, 2008
peter pan piper
good name choice Colon; you have the grammar skills of an asshole.
and i appreciate the term “mouth rape a shotgun.” good form sir. but ya, the only thing Fucktard and that other asshole have done well is help the Wayans brothers get work…..
Sep 21st, 2008
Amanda
Hey, these guys are one of my cinematic heroes!
They inspire me by proving that you can somehow legally steal content from currently successful people, pepper in some midget and fat jokes and very timely pop culture references, get a 0% Rotten Tomatoes rating, and then have the studios hand them another couple million to pass their next idiot fest.
If they can do this, it makes me feel like, I, a lowly media student, can someday become an above-the-line success in Hollywood, too.
It’s interesting to note they never steal from truly classic movies, just whatever came out at the movies that summer. That might involve thinking. These boys don’t deserve to share a restroom with Mel Brooks or Carol Burnett.
I’ll bet they’ll make the Superbad guys gay. (See? HILARIOUS!!!)
Oct 9th, 2008
JamminJ
Friedberg and Seltzer need to be stopped. Their movies are faaaaar from funny. They are a complete waste of film and money. They keep trying to re-create the Waynes Brothers “Scary Movie” and fail terribly. They had very little to do with the Scary Movie script but got writing credits anyway. This film should not even be allowed to be called a “Movie” it should be called “Epic Fail”.
Friedberg and Seltzer SUCK and so does everyone who likes them!!!!!!
Big John
CMAC
Amanda
You have no idea what real cinema is…so go do something other than watch movies, go play outside. Leave the movie watching to those of us who know what a good movie is…..KTHANX :)
Oct 31st, 2008
Bill Holden
Not enough is being done to stop these bastards. The studios will never listen to the public, because they have a surplus of mouth-breathers in the US and worldwide who will actually laugh at 90 minutes of farts (see “Idiocracy”). This surplus continues to expand, so the studios will always make money with no-talent hacks like Seltzberg.
This has been a long time coming. People accused Mel Brooks of lowbrow humor in the 70s, but at least his movies had some redeeming qualities (well, right up through Spaceballs anyway–then apparently he got Woody Allen disease and thought he didn’t have to evolve as a filmmaker). Point is, the Seltzberg shitfests are in crowded company these days. 2008 was a banner year; there must have been 20 or 30 poorly made and sub-moronic movies in wide release, including, but not limited to:
Meet Dave, High School Musical, Twilight, College, Superhero Movie (how sad is it that somebody is already ripping off Seltzberg?), Saw V, Bangkok Dangerous, Doomsday, Transporter 3, The Spirit, Punisher War Zone. House Bunny, the Hottie and the Nottie, the Happening, Zohan, Wanted, Eagle Eye, Zack and Miri, X-Files 2, the Bank Job, Speed Racer, City of Ember, 10,000 BC, Jumper, Ghost Town, Prom Night, Vantage Point, 21, Diary of the Dead, Mirrors, Red Belt, Babylon AD, Untraceable, Surfer Dude, Max Payne, the Bucket List, Death Race, Righteous Kill, 88 Minutes and Star Wars: the Clone Wars.
Considering that 90% of the mainstream movies of the year were a sea of shit, it should come as no surprise that Seltzberg owns a submarine..
Jan 17th, 2009
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