We’re once again handing over our blog to screenwriting guru Ronnie Pudding who’ll answer questions from his mailbag.

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Dear Ronnie,

Best regards,
Gary Wakley
Valley Village, CA

Dear Gary,

Hold on a second. Um… writing group?!? HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA HAAAA!! What kind of DORK joins a writing group? What do y’all do, sit around talking about writing crap like character arcs and third-act reversals? Or do you just smell each other’s farts and take turns jacking off onto a Ritz cracker? Writing groups are two steps below furry conventions in my book. And furry conventions are two steps below NAMBLA meetings if that gives you any perspective (at least the pastries at NAMBLA meetings are fresh. And hey, free juice-boxes!). Man, the LAST place I’d wanna be is trapped in a room full of writers. The B.O. alone would kill me.

Okay, so now that I’ve got that out of the way: Um… you actually PAY for software?!? HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA HAAAA!! What kind of DORK pays for software? What, are you writing to me through some space-time wormhole, from that ancient time before the internets were invented, when people actually went to the store and PAID for shit instead of downloading it for free off of some Russian bit-torrent site? Gary Wakley, you are too much! This is a joke, right? No, seriously.

But let’s just say you ARE a real person and not an FBI agent trying to trick me into sending an email so you can track my IP to use as evidence in my upcoming trial for allegedly stalking Florence Henderson. I ain’t too big on screenwriting programs myself; ever since I lost three fingers at the machine shop (mom was right, drinking and lathing DON’T mix) typing’s been as fruitless an endeavor as trying to teach a woman to drive stick. So I write most of my screenplays longhand, on the backs of humorous cocktail napkins I get from the Van Nuys gentleman’s club, The Tit Pit. The Tit Pit’s cocktail napkins are especially useful when writing comedies, seeing as they’ve already got the jokes printed on ‘em. All you gotta do is fill in the action lines and character names and shit.

However, assuming you’re one of those writers possessing all ten of your fingers and thus prefer to do your word-writing on a computer, I’d agree that $229 is WAY too much scratch to drop on software that’s essentially a crappier, buggier version of Microsoft Word. You’re better off spending that money on crystal meth – which, If you’re interested in, I can cut you a deal on – and downloading one of these FREE templates for Word from the Brit government’s TV network BBC here (I guess sometimes Communism ain’t so bad). These templates will not only cost you a helluva lot less (as in nothing), they won’t crash or crap out or make your fonts all funky when you type like Final Draft does.

Another alternative: Write your script from your browser at the new website Plotbot. It’s 100% FREE and so simple even a Down Syndrome kid could use it. Hell, I bet even Akiva Goldsman could use it. Of course it means entrusting your data to some nameless entity across the webosphere, but your drafts can be downloaded at anytime as XML or RTF files. So there’s that.

Or you could, you know, steal Final Draft and be done with it. Not that I’m condoning software theft or any other sort of crime for that matter. Because THAT would be in violation of my parole. Well, gotta go. Judge Mathis is on. Writing group… you slay me.

Ronnie.

Ronnie Pudding is a semi-professional screenwriter, kickboxer and drill press operator who resides in Van Nuys, CA. His film DEEP VENGEANCE III: STINGRAY’S RETURN is available in lesser-known video stores throughout the Midwest and Canada.

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