Platinum Dunes – the production shingle which handsomely-coiffed “Transformers” director Michael Bay uses to desecrate beloved horror movie classics – has been charged with the duty of ruining the “Nightmare on Elm Street” franchise for everyone.

Hobbit-dependent mini-studio New Line handed over the keys to the Freddy-Mobile to Bay and his fellow ruiners-of-good-things Brad Fuller and Andrew Form. Together the trio of creative-property rapists hope to re-launch the “Nightmare” franchise as something completely trite, predictable, unscary and devoid of subtext.

Platinum Dunes, which had some minor box office success ruining “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and are also slated to defile the “Friday the 13th” franchise with an April re-launch for New Line, hope to totally fuck up “Nightmare” by hiring a hack writer with nothing but shitty remake credits to his or her name after the WGA strike. The company’s also set to dig up then fuck the corpse of Alfred Hitchcock while spunking all over his legacy with the creamy white syphilis-tinged mansauce that will be “The Birds” in name only.

Said Bay of his plans for the “Nightmare on Elm Street” abomination: “Dude, it’s gonna be killer. I’m totally stoked.” Bay then tore off in his Ferrari, blasting Bon Jovi’s “Slippery When Wet” at a near-deafening volume.

• Remake Fever: Michael Bay to ass-rape Friday 13th next
• Box Office Predictions 10/26/2007 - 10/28/2007
• Horror franchise rapists Platinum Dunes reveal lil Jason Voorhees
• FIGHT THE POWER HAN SOLO - even if its 25 years after the fact!
• Friday Box Office Estimates (10/26/2007)