Ellen Page – that adorable smart-alecky pixie from the Jack Chick anti-abortion tract turned heartwarming iPod-hipster flick JUNO – will be strapping on for Drew Barrymore, strapping on the skates that is, for the herpes-ridden E.T. actress’ directorial deboot, WHIP IT!

WHIP IT! tells the tale of a Texas gal who joins a roller derby team, and she and her merry band of misfits rally together to save the world from a giant squid or something. It’s like CLOVERFIELD but on roller skates. Only, there aren’t any giant squids. To my knowledge.

Budgeted at $10 million, film will be financed by Mandate Pictures (not to be confused with MAN DATE PICTURES, producers of MY directorial deboot, FISTS OF FURRY: ANTHOPOMORPHIC ASS-ADVENTURES VI), and Crom only knows what sort of emo acoustic guitar bullshit will be on the soundtrack. Come on, Drew, this is about roller derby. Those chicks all eat glass and listen to Slayer.

Which brings up a point: Hear me now, I LOVE Ellen Page. And while it could easily be argued that JUNO, like most Fox Searchlight fare, was a whole lotta hype for what is essentially a cute little teen comedy of the sort that John Hughes used to squirt out like corn-riddled septic sludge the morning after an El Torito Happy Hour bender, what can NOT be argued is that Ellen Page didn’t totally OWN that movie. She kicked its ass, slapped it like a back-talkin’ ho, punked it like a smooth-chested white boy his first day at Folsom. She’s a GREAT little actor, but… she’s pocket-sized. A fucking ELF. Roller derby chicks? They’re all broad-shouldered, tattoo-covered man-hating Rockabilly bitches. They all have five o’ clock shadows and curl 40-pound dumbbells with their clits. Ellen Page meanwhile is 4 foot 2 and weighs less than my cat. She’ll get killed. Lordie, she’ll get killed!

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