Sienna Miller Joins GI HOE, er… JOE
British party-whore Sienna Miller, most infamously known as the woman Jude Law would rather bang domestic help than stick his dick in, has joined the cast of the upcoming GI JOE multi-million dollar infomercial which starts shooting in February of 2008. Miller will play the role of Cassandra Waylock, a psychic nurse whose magic blowjobs empower recipients with the ability to communicate telepathically with ponies.
I’m pretty much all done with this 80’s Toys R Us nostalgia shit, but thanks to Tranformers we can look forward to a lot of more of it gumming up the multiplexes. Unlike most Gen X/Gen Y man-boys I meet, I always thought the post-Kung Fu grip era Joes were kind of…. hmmm, what’s the word I’m thinking of? Gay. Yes, that’s it. Gay. I mean old-school GI Joe was an army of one. A man of action. He rocked a fucking rape-beard like nobody’s business, he had eagle-eye vision and he knew KUNG FU. He was the kind of guy you sent in to do the job no one else could do, like rescue MIA’s or kill Bin Laden or slaughter entire villages. He made John Rambo and Chuck Norris look like those fat emo pussies in My Chemical Romance. And the ladies? He was all about them bitches.
Nu-school GI Joe however… first of all he’s not even one dude. It’s a whole team of dudes with names like Hawk, and Duke and Flint. Uh… Hawk? Duke? Flint? Isn’t that the cast of PIPE FITTERS 5: BOYS 2 MEN currently listed on the Tomkat Theatre’s marquee? Was Jeff Stryker GI JOE’s head recruiter or something?
Look, I have nothing against the gays or even gay top-secret elite counter-terrorist teams for that matter, but I haven’t a doubt in my mind that old-school GI JOE would lay to waste those mid-80’s metrosexual do-gooders who bastardized his name, even WITHOUT his trademark kung fu grip. I mean he was 3 times their size! It’d be like fighting a giant!
I’ve really got nothing further to say, so here are some more pictures of Sienna Miller looking slutty. Apparently she spends most of her time in bed, which means either A) she’s a dirty whore or B) she’s really lazy. I think the truth lies somewhere in between.
This dude would pound Sienna Miller’s cervix into goose-liver paté and he’d still have the energy to napalm a Laotian grade school the next morning.
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2 Comments, Comment or Ping
Jesse Custer
You really think the action figure whose palm is pre-shaped for giving hand jobs comes off more hetero than Snake Eyes? Than a ninja assassin who survived a slit jugular from his best friend, an evil ninja who only wears white? How’s that for dramatic irony, bitches? Never saw no storylines like that on Gem. Uh, because, uh, I never watched Gem. So how could I know anything about a cartoon I’ve never seen?
Ahem.
Reading this article is like talking to my dad about the good old days when Andy Griffith didn’t have to cuss on the picture box to make people laugh. Your nostalgia for a gigantic toy (which you probably used as a dildo, pervert) clearly hides ignorance of the superior second coming of the Joe.
Nov 20th, 2007
stevie wonder
the action figure looks frighteningly similar to Che Guevarra. Hooray Communists!
Nov 21st, 2007
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