Statham does more Crank
British secret kung fu ninja Jason Statham will be cooking up another sweet shot of CRANK, reprising his role of stimulant-dependent hitman Chev Chelios for “Crank 2: High Voltage” (dig the gleefully ironic corny title). Per today’s Vee:
Chelios faces a Chinese mobster who has stolen his nearly indestructible heart and replaced it with a battery-powered ticker that requires regular jolts of electricity to keep working.
Which is interesting, since at the end of the last film Chelios was plunging to his death. Just how are they gonna get out of that one? Does he land in a truckbed full of feathers? Because just so you know, dumptrucks driving around full of feathers don’t exist outside of the Wile E Coyote universe. Whatever, I’m down with however Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor solve the problem, as ridiculous as it will surely be. The aforementioned director duo will shoot CRANK sequel back-to-back with high-concept sci fi flick THE GAME, which stars that other British he-man Gerard Butler. Hey, since when have all of our manliest actors been British? What sense does that make? Australians I can buy; those dudes drink 40 beers a day without catching a buzz and kill kangaroos with their cocks, but Brits? Aren’t they all gay? Seriously, 100% of England is flaming. Yet they still have more hair on their chests than the metrosexual fe-men we Americans have in our leading-man stable. It’s fucking embarrassing. I bet we’ve shamed Chuck Bronson into expatriacy. Speaking of Bronson, check this out:
Did you see how manly that was? The way he was splashing cologne all over himself in preparation for an evening of just hanging out alone in his hotel room, fighting off invisible Indians in his Wild West hallucinatory fever-dreams? That’s how a real man plays it. Fuck, if I’m going to smell good, I’m going to smell good for ME. Me and my invisible Indians.
Anyway, I’m actually psyched for CRANK 2: HIGH VOLTAGE. The previous installment was awesome and if you didn’t see it you’re probably some omnisexual, Mandom-deprived Radiohead fan. I think Ronnie Pudding nailed it with his 2006 year-end review:
Imagine eating three boxes of Sour Patch Kids, washing it down with a 10-gallon drum of Red Bull, snorting a WWII Nazi helmet full of pure Colombian booger-batter then shooting a crank case full of biker-meth straight into your eyeball. I have no idea what the fuck this movie was about, but I left the theater with my teeth ground down to stubs and a nest of imaginary tweak-bugs borrowed under my epidermis. Best movie of the year.
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2 Comments, Comment or Ping
Wodi
If they were smart, they’d make CRANK 2 similar to WEEKEND AT BERNIES 2. Chelios is dead but his body comes back to life whenever death metal is played near his corpse. However, unlike Bernie Lomax, Chev Chelios would lead Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman to slutty 6 year olds and mounds of blow.
Oct 30th, 2007
Jesse Custer
Normally, I like ridiculous action. I have no problem believing Bruce Willis can jump off the Fox Plaza with a firehose tied around his waist in the middle of an explosion and survive with enough energy to kill the fuck out of Rickman, his Huey Lewis look-alike henchman, and that dead actor from MONEY PIT. But when Statham screams, “Nigger!” at the hip hop club (nigger - not nigga) and it didn’t result in a fight scene, my suspension broke like a sack of amniotic fluid under a rusty coathanger. It also let me know that CRANK would be nothing but an orgy of missed opportunities.
Nov 21st, 2007
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