Due to popular demand, we’re once again handing over our blog to screenwriting guru Ronnie Pudding who’ll answer questions from his mailbag.

***

Dear Ronnie,

Thanks a lot!
Tiffany C.

Gotta admit Tiff, I was a little nervous reading your email. When Ronnie receives a missive from a 13-year old, it usually means there’s either a paternity suit or a visit from Chris Hansen coming down the pike. So as you can imagine I’m more than a little relieved that you were merely looking for screenwriting advice. Do you have any pictures of yourself, maybe dressed in a cheerleader uniform, or jumping on a trampoline? For the column I mean. Actually, never mind. Not that I doubt your sincerity; but that Hansen fellow is tricky. Number of times I’ve been on his TV show, they should be giving me a friggin’ SAG card, not some damn chemical castration pill! But I digress, Tiff. I digress. Now on to your questions…

It’s good that you love movies. But just because you love something doesn’t mean it’s right for you career-wise. For instance when I was your age I loved huffing paint. So you’d naturally think me getting a job at McGrover’s Paint Store would’ve been the perfect fit. As it turned out, not so much. I’d been there less than a week when ol’ Mr. McGrover handed me my walking papers, allegedly because he found me passed out in the stock room, naked save for a husk of gold matte on my face and the bloody pentagrams I’d carved into my chest. I’ll have to take his word for it. I killed so many brain cells huffing that sweet Krylon Kandy, I still have trouble remembering to keep my pants on in mixed company. You hear that, Chris Hansen? It’s a medical condition.

So I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told the kids at my sister’s Christian camp last summer: God is dead. Nietzsche said so. But also, before you set yourself down a path toward inevitable disappointment, disillusionment and drug dependency you should figure out if it’s an actual talent that you’re pissing away your life for, not just delusions of grandeur. Yeah, that’s right. Talent. All the screenwriting classes in the world ain’t gonna teach you talent. You either got it or you don’t. Fellatio, on the other hand, is a skill one can develop through trial and error, and with regular practice. But if you’re good enough at knob-bobbin’ to land a gig, might as well use it toward something with steadier pay. Like a creative exec job for instance, or a regular cast spot on CSI: Miami.

Still, if screenwriting’s what you’ve got your little heart set on, and it seems like you got the talent and/or tongue skills to make it work, you definitely wanna go about it the right away. And yup, that includes choosing the right university. Now bear in mind the only college ol’ Ronnie ever partook in was a week of Tractor-Trailer school, and I still managed to scratch out something of a career in the word-writing game. But if I had it all to do over — like if I had a time machine or fell into one of those inter-dimensional wormholes like that creepy little guy in the talking wheelchair’s always going on and on about — I’d probably put a little more thought into my post-GED education. Because where you go to school is one of the most important decisions an aspiring screenwriter such as yourself will ever make.

Before you pick a school, you should figure out what kind of career trajectory you want to follow first. Do you want to make unwatchable pseudo-European experimental films and bemoan the sorry state of American cinema before settling into a lifelong service industry career? Then NYU’s the school for you. Do you want to make promising shot-on-HD Sundance favorites which you’ll bring up in interviews to justify your creative existence for the entirety of your subsequent career making morally bankrupt CGI-explosion-filled blockbusters? Then think Wesleyan. Do you want to make a big spec script sale your first year out of college, for a ridiculous sum despite the fact that the project will never make it out of development hell, then segue into a career as a grossly overpaid script doctor for the projects your old dorm mates are producing? Then you definitely want to enroll at USC. Do you want to work as a second assistant for two years before going to law school and giving up on screenwriting entirely? Then it’s gotta be UCLA. Not that you’re actually going to LEARN anything at any of these places. Hell no! But the connections you make and the reputation you stake out at college are going to follow for your whole career.

Which brings us to your last question: Is screenwriting a good idea for a career? Sure, if you like the idea of being the lowest person on the creative totem pole in an industry that fucks you out of money and credit and residuals at every turn despite the fact that their product wouldn’t EXIST if not for you. Does that sound like caramel apples and cotton candy to you? It does? Then go for it! Good luck “Tiffany,” if that IS your real name. And tell your buddy Chris Hansen I said hello. Cripes, you Dateline people think I was born yesterday?!?

Ronnie Pudding is a semi-professional screenwriter, kickboxer and drill press operator who resides in Van Nuys, CA. His film DEEP VENGEANCE III: STINGRAY’S RETURN premieres in lesser-known video stores everywhere on November 14th.

If you have any questions for Ronnie Pudding please send them to boxofficepsychics@gmail.com

• ASK A SCREENWRITER
• Ask a Screenwriter: Screenwriting Software
• Ask A Screenwriter
• Happy Birthday to Box Office Psychics!
• Rashida Jones