UBERDOUCHE

/Film reports that douchebag extraordinaire Brett Ratner will be filling Len Wiseman’s vacated director’s chair on the upcoming Escape From New York remake/abomination (supposedly confirmed this morning by New Line insiders). When asked for comment Ratner just chortled maniacally — spitting chunks of chili and half-chewed hotdog all over the bewigged head of the transvestite hooker orally servicing his infant-proportioned corkscrew date-rapier — and farted.

Boy, this news really warms the cock-holes of my heart. Because what Snake Plissken really needed was a wise-cracking ethnic buddy. I was actually worried that with Len Wiseman directing, the Escape from New York remake would just kind of suck. Hey, Die Hard 4.0 was actually pretty cool. But with Ratner directing its 100% guaranteed to be unwatchable. It is with absolute certainty that I say this movie will induce Down Syndrome into the fetuses of any pregnant mothers unlucky enough to get trapped in the theater where its showing. I know. I’m a scientist. Good work, Hollywood. Every step you take brings you closer to your eventual demise.

Brett Ratner. I hope that fat pantload simultaneously contracts super-AIDS and ball cancer.

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