OMFG WTF STRIKE FEVER!!! X-Files and Terminator 4 on fast-track
Remember about 7 years ago, when the Y2K virus crippled Western civilization and we were thrown into a post-apocalyptic Mad Max world, fighting off homoerotic bike gangs with our crossbows as we trudged across the high-desert on our rocket-launcher-equipped mountain bikes in search of precious plutonium? Well despite all our efforts to rebuild society back to its former glory, there’s a new threat on the horizon that could potentially send us back to the stone age, where roaming bands of cannibals and evil wizards riding on battle-dinosaurs haunt our every waking moments. Of course I’m talking about that festering tempest known as the Great Hollywood Labor Strike of 2008, or as meteorologists refer to it, Hurricane Poncho.
Still, Hollywood motion picture executives are not the types to be caught off guard by looming threats, as evidenced by the fact that a mere six years after the 9/11 attack on Pearl Harbor it still takes three hours, a polygraph test, urine sample and complete body-cavity search to get onto the Warner lot. So how are execs battening down their hatches in preparation for Hurricane Poncho’s onslaught? By green-lighting every stupid sequel that’s been collecting dust in the development Lost and Found bin for the last ten years.
Look no further that today’s /Film for the evidence of Hollywood’s Boy Scout Worthy be-preparedness: According to Californication star David Duchovny, Fox has greenlit the sequel to 1998’s X-FILES movie, the disappointing large-screen version of a TV show which was wildly popular… 15 years ago. Isn’t Gillian Anderson like 100 years old now? Don’t get me wrong, I was just as big a X-Files dork as anyone, but the thought of a geriatric Scully walking around with an O2-tank-on-wheels and a colostomy bag strapped to her leg is kind of… well… sexy? Yeah, but depressing too. Sexy BUT depressing.
And execs are no less panicked on the other side of the Sepulveda pass: NBC-Universal-Pepsi-Norelco suits have apparently given the go-ahead to a 4th volume of the TERMINATOR franchise, with T3 penmen Michael Ferris and John D. Brancato hard at work on a production-ready script.
X-Files? Terminator? It’s like the frickin’ early 90’s all over. Guess I should pull the flannel out of the closet, lace up the Doc Martens and head down to Lollapoolooza for a day of angst-ridden butt-rock, brazen displays of individuality, and hackysack. Yo homies, when’s the new Spin Doctors record drop? Little Miss fucking Can’t Be Wrong baby! Spin Doctors in the hizzzzz! Wonder how long it’ll take to grow my soul-patch back?
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