John McTiernan’s cell mate would prefer the bottom bunk.

…well, four months anyway, which is like 4000 years in Hollywood prison time. A federal judge handed down the aforementioned sentence to vet helmer John McTiernan today, who’d pled not guilty to charges of lying to the FBI. Why is that even a crime? You mean when Mulder and Scully show up at my door I’m supposed tell them it was me making all those crop circles, or else go to jail? I suppose I have to own up to faking the Bigfoot footage too. Let’s just take ALL the mystery out of life.

McTiernan’s charges relate to the James Elroy worthy saga of Anthony Pellicano, two-bit blackmailer to the stars. McTiernan claimed to have used Pellicano’s services only once, during his divorce (okay, justified) when in fact he’d also used the dirt-dishing private eye to wiretap Rollerball producer Charles Roven. Jeesh, that’s gotta hurt. Going to jail over a piece of shit movie like Rollerball? That’s like doing hard time for hijacking a truck full of Pepsi One. Or trying to kill yourself because Kate Hudson broke up with you.

Look, I know John McTiernan’s done a lot of shit movies lately, but he did direct two of the certifiably greatest films of all time, i.e. DIE HARD and PREDATOR. He deserves a pass. If a useless piece of HIV-positive gutter trash like Lindsay Lohan can get away with running over old ladies in a stolen Denali with a half ounce of Colombian booger-sugar stuffed down her wonderbra, McTiernan should be able to walk over a little harmless fib. Hey, there’s a reason OJ Simpson got away with chopping some white girl’s head off, people: 11,236 rushing yards.

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