Muscles from Brussells

6 years ago today, or possibly 7, we Americans witnessed an unprecedented event that will haunt our memories forever. Saddam Hussein’s freedom-hating terrorist organization Al Jazeera – I think that’s what they’re called anyway– drove a bus or dump truck or some sort of large vehicle into some buildings. I believe one of those buildings was the Empire State Building, which was in Chicago or something. Anyway there were many explosions and over a hundred people died and none of my shows were on because every damn station was playing the same footage OVER and OVER and OVER of all this stuff happening, with the dump truck or whatever, and people crying, so I went to BLOCKBUSTER and rented a bunch of Jean Claude Van Damme movies. I watched DOUBLE IMPACT, followed by HARD TARGET then SUDDEN DEATH, topped off with a dab of MAXIMUM RISK segue straight into UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN which was the 4th installment in the UNIVERSAL SOLDIER series and for my money the best of the franchise. Come to think of it, that day was pretty awesome, if you don’t count the terrorist stuff.

Luckily for us we had a kick-ass president named George Bush who promptly declared war on Terror, which apparently is in the Middle East. He then bombed the living crap out of those Al Jazeera freedom-haters, drove the enemy out of their caves in Iran or Turkey or someplace and locked them up in Cuban death camps so they could hate our freedom no more. Thanks to him our nation is now safe and we Americans are free to enjoy ALL our favorite shows, even the not so good ones, but even still we will NEVER FORGET what happened on September 11, or possibly the 12th, roughly 6 - 8 years ago.

• Universal Studios lot on fire
• Rambo Death Chart
• Regency TV closes its doors after 10 years
• Weinstein guesses wrong by splitting Grindhouse films in Europe
• “W” cast set: start date for April