Kids today suck. Really they do. I’ve met some of them and they all seem like prozac filled weasels. Back when I was in high school I was a virgin. And not even a stoner, but I needed inspiration in life and I found it in film.

I learned about boobies from Porky’s, I learned about seduction from Wild Orchid and I learned about getting high on the 40 yard line of my high school football field from Richard Linklater’s Dazed N’ Confused.

Today I consider myself to be a pretty good person. OK, sure there are one or two girls out there who might disagree. Perhaps their mothers would too, but other than smoking a little bit of “reefer,” going out with the homies to all the hot clubs and getting paid, I am what I hope should be considered a value to society. I pay taxes. I brush my teeth at least twice a day and I haven’t killed anyone…. yet.

I would like to think that the watching of those movies mentioned above in my teen years have a lot to do with the fact that I have never been convicted for rape, murder or bestiality. They allowed me to learn vital and important socializing facts and techniques which when used correctly and developed over time have created the monster sitting in front of a keyboard typing this review for you this moment. A “monster” that gets laid and doesn’t “wig out” like a sissy acne filled 16 year old boy when confronted with a social situation. This is a good thing, because if I was still acting today at 30+ years the way I did when I was a teen, I wouldn’t be getting laid and believe me I think that that is what is bad for society. Not enough people making “sweet loving.” I don’t think I am wrong either. Make love not war reigns truer today in the George W. Bush era of let’s blow them up there so they don’t blow us here (in our White House.)

So I went to the local mall to scout out some teeny boppers this afternoon and followed them in to a darkened theater. As I cut a hole into the bottom of my popcorn box I noticed that I was in a movie entitled “SuperBad” from the creators of the 40 Year Old Virgin and this summer’s mega-smash hit Knocked Up. The opening titles were interesting, kind of like a 70’s porno, but without any naked chicks, just a silhouette of a fat kid and a skinny kid dancing poorly to the porn music.

The movie begins.

[giggle]

OK, so this movie is about a fat kid and a skinny kid and they are both horny little fuckers. What else is new? Apparently the fat kid has a potty mouth and says “fuck” over 176 times in the film (beating out the previous record holder Scarface.) The skinny kid is more “sweet” but really he is a pussy. [since this article was published we've found out that "Scarface" isn't the most uses of the word "fuck" and that Superbad's 176 instances of the word "fuck" does not even come close to the movie entitled "Fuck" which has 824 instances of the word "fuck"]

Now we find out these kids are dorks, virgins and are never getting invited to any parties. Until their friend Fogel (glasses and acne) shows them this fake ID that he got made that will get them all some alcohol so that they can go to this girl’s party that night. The ID is from Hawaii and Fogel has only one name on it- a name he chose – “McLovin” – OK, its a sweet name and there’s no way he can pull it off – or can he…

[whisper]

Alright, as many hijinx require the attention of the boys – now in two groups – one with McLovin and two kick-ass coppers and the other with the fat kid and the little boy, we reach an ultimate conclusion in which many state and federal alcohol laws are broken. Cops are trigger happy and insane. Women behave like dirty horny little sluts and mayhem lets loose.

[uncontrollable laughter and applause]

And ultimately, the story ties up in a nice little bow with these two kids – today’s “Weird Science” freaks get their girls after almost succumbing to homosexual love-making.

Moral of the story is that its OK to be a dork, just try really hard and be confident and you’ll eventually get laid. To me, this is a poignant and moralistic code that is being passed on to today’s youth. They are in dire need of it. So send your soon to be pot-smoking children off to the cinema, this one is for the children.

Ultimately, SuperBad is a Judd Apatow comic-send off to Larry Clark’s “Kids“, but really, its in everyone’s best interest if people see this film.

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