ABC News evacuates D.C. office due to “powdery white substance”
Let’s have a party, someone call Lindsay and Samantha Ronson and tell them it’s on!
Because 2001’s irrational anthrax paranoia is coming back into vogue, ABC news has evacuated all employees in its DeSales St. bureau office after contractors discovered a suspicious “powery white substance” in the mailroom.
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
If only LiLo had simularly evacuated those mystery pants she wore last weekend, she’d have saved herself a mess of trouble! Huzzah! Wakka-wakka!
Ahem…
Since we’re on the topic, I’d like to remind our readers of BOPSY’s sympathetic editorial slant vis-à-vis our fallen cocaine angel Linsday Lohan. The water-cooler speculation around H-town this week says LiLo’s career’s effectively over – not so much due to the dumpster loads of negative publicity she brings to any production, or even the fact that every movie she’s made since HERBIE has been a box-office disaster – but because no one’s gonna bond her films anymore. Like a cancerous lump on the breast of Hollywood, Lindsay’s an insurance liability.
Well I think it’s sad to see the career of moderately talented actress boarded up and shuttered like a Sambo’s franchise just because of a little rampant drinking and drugging. So as a service to LiLo, her handlers, and any producer hoping to squeeze a few bucks out of whatever bit of box office cache Mizz Lo has left, I devised a plan JUST LAST NIGHT to ensure the timely completion of any film Lindsay Lohan’s set to work on. Feel free to print this out and present to any investors, gap funders, or bonding companies who may be getting cold feet about your nex Lohan-attached production.
STEP 1
MAKE IT A NIGHT SHOOT. Of course Lohan’s not gonna make a 7am call. She needs her beauty rest, plus she’s part vampire. So what’s the big deal about shooting at night? What, is Hollywood running on banker’s hours now? You pay all those dudes with the white trucks full of lighting shit to show up for a reason, ya know.
STEP 2
LOCATIONS = TEDDY’S, HYDE AND LES DEUX. All three Hollywood hot spots are available for production, so why not take advantage? You won’t even have to ask Linday to show up, she’ll be there anyway.
STEP 3
LINDSAY’S CHARACTER = “TIFFANY,” THE SEMI-CONSCIOUS COKE-HOOKER WITH SEVERE DADDY ISSUES. Nothing wrong with a little type-casting. Think Joe E. Ross cared that he was always playing that guy who says “ooh ooh”? Fuck no, it kept him working for 40 years! So long as Lindsay’s drunken stumbling, coke-addled rambling and constant seeking of attention from any homo sapien with a penis is inherent to her character, she’s gauranteed to deliver a Oscar-worthy (or at least Nick Kid’s Choice awards worthy) performance. And if she happens to pass out… all the better! Just prop her up against a wall and start shooting. You can take care of the rest in post. At least if she’s unconscious you know for a fact she won’t be going anywhere.
There you go, Hollywood. You can thank me later.
Life imitates art or BOPsy. Here’s Lindsay snorting some coke in the bathroom….
Tags: ABC News, Lindsay Lohan, anthrax, cocaine
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One Comment, Comment or Ping
stevie wonder
I think I have the script. This plan is PERFECT. Dude. You are a chum. A true chum.
Jul 26th, 2007
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