Carice Van Houten signs on for Valkyrie, mandatory Dianetics Training
Ample-bosomed Dutch starlet Carice Van Houten will share the screen with newly annointed Scientology deity Tom Cruise on Bryan Singer’s upcoming WWII drama Valkyrie. Valkyrie is about the guy who tried to steal Hitler’s brain and put it inside a robot or something. No word on how Grand Space Wizard Cruise plans to keep his hostage love-bride Katie Holmes in her gilded cage sans escape long enough to shoot the thing, but the high-concept pitch goes something like “Captivity meets Boxing Helena,” according to industry sources. Those sources being the sketchy guy with the hook-hand who works at Jamba Juice on the Warner lot. Cap’n Hook I calls him, but he never speaks is a piratey voice no matter how much I beg. What a waste of dismemberment.
BREAKING NEWS: Apparently Exhaulted Galactic Admiral Cruise found sublter means of keeping his precious gaydar-blocking Dawson’s Jewel strapped to bow of the Good Ship Xenu: Knocking her up. According to the Sun UK anyway, Katie’s got another Thetan-infested bun in her oven. And Tom is totally the dad too. Because Tom Cruise had heterosexual sex with a woman who is his wife! No he did! He really did!
Tags: Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Valykrie, Carice Van Houten, Scientology, Xenu
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