The most important news we’ve ever reported: “Savage” Steve Holland returns!!!!
The headline above is no hyperbole. This is more important than Emo Spiderman 3 or Haitian Rape Pirates 5 or whatever stupid movie you and your hair-gelled colleagues are working on over at Douchebag Pictures that will serve only to lower a bar that’s already too low for limbo. According to today’s Hollywood Reporter, the greatest director in the history of 80’s teen comedies – no, not John Hughes, I refer of course to SAVAGE STEVE HOLLAND — will return after an 18 year hiatus to make THE BIG ONE 3.
THE BIG ONE 3 will be producered by Warren Zide care of his cleverly-named Flipzide Productions, along with JB “that’s BJ backwards” Rogers. According to Zide, THE BIG ONE 3 shall be a tonally similar to Holland classics BETTER OFF DEAD and ONE CRAZY SUMMER. Quoth Zide:
“This is based on a true events in Savage’s life. When he was a kid, he had his 13th birthday party and the only one that showed up was a clown, and all that that guy did was hit on his sister.”
Fuck. Ing. Awesome.
This news makes today the greatest day of my life; better than the day my daughter Stephanie was born, better than 9/11, better than when I killed my first hobo. I’ve been waiting 18 fucking years for this. I’m giddy like a child molester on his first day of work at Chuck E. Cheese.
See, for those of you too young or stupid to remember the 80’s, it was a decade not dissimilar to the one we’re in now: There was a brain-damaged war-monger in the white house, every song in the top 40 was written by a monkey hurling poop against a piece of staff paper, and America’s self-centered, self-serving shallowness was only eclipsed by its horrible taste. This was the decade of parachute pants, Milli Vanilli and “Who’s The Boss.” Yet despite all that, the 80’s were awesome. Because for every Samantha Fox we had a Black Flag. For every “Who’s The Boss?” we had a “Cheers.” And for every piece of shit movie like THE COLOR PURPLE or ON GOLDEN POND we had a HEATHERS or BETTER OFF DEAD.
BETTER OFF DEAD was Savage Steve Holland’s masterpiece. It’s the movie that made John Cusack’s career (Cusack, being an actor, is to too stupid to realize he owes his career to Savage. Fuck you, C-u-suck. I’m glad Piven finally stepped out of your shadow long enough to kick you in the nuts). And unlike John Hughes’ maudlin teeny-bopper pap, it didn’t go stale like that 20 year-old box of Flaky Puffs I got at the dollar store. I watch BETTER OFF DEAD at least once a year and it still busts my gut. Every line is quotable. It’s manic, inspired, fucking hilarious and EVERY TIME I watch it I think to myself, “why doesn’t Hollywood do THIS anymore?” Then I remember that it’s an industry full of self-absorbed douchebags with no taste. With the exception of Warren Zide that is (don’t laugh… FINAL DESTINATION 3 was the madd note).
Again, quoth Zide:
“The world needs another Savage movie, done today for today’s generation. This is classic Savage.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. Actually I probably could’ve, but that’s hardly the point. I tip my hat to you, Warren Zide. By giving Savage Steve Holland back to the world, you’ve given us a gift far greater than an end to world hunger or global warming. And like Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, the shoe-bomber, Ted Nugent and whoever killed Jean-Benet Ramsey… you, Warren Zide, are a true American hero.
Oh, and one more thing:
“I want my two dollars!”
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3 Comments, Comment or Ping
justin kanew
Savage Steve is actually doing a movie for National Lampoon right now called Ratko: The Dictator’s Son…so are we American Heroes also?
Jun 6th, 2007
admin
Like Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Pol Pot and John Wayne Gacy, you Justin Kanew are an american hero.
Jun 6th, 2007
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