Where Are They Know? LeVar Burton
LEVAR BURTON
By Wodi McWo
I had a dream last night that Ralph Macchio and my pet unicorn Captain Sparkles were reenacting the guitar-shredding finale from CROSSROADS (and for any guy out there who thinks I’m talking about the Britney Spears movie, guess what? Turns out you’re gay). What does all this have to do with LeVar Burton? Well, nothing, but it sure was an awesome dream that inspired me to make this picture on photoshop. Please accept it as my apology for the lack of WATN columns over the past few weeks. I’ve already masturbated to it thrice.
While he’s no Ralph Macchio, or unicorn tearing up a Steve Vai Ibanez Jem, LeVar Burton does love Rainbows, as well as the Enterprise NCC 1701-D, and picking cotton – wait I mean not picking cotton (I sometimes confuse the two and by the way I’m talking about LeVar’s role in “Roots,” so quit thinking I’m racist you douchebag). To call the man a legend would be an understatement. For 25 years on “Reading Rainbow” LeVar has been luring children into his house to “discuss books.” I tried that once and all I got to show for it was a guest appearance on “Dateline: To Catch A Predator.” It was probably my screename that tipped off Chris Hansen:
HeyKidHowOldAreYou?Ten?WellDoYouHaveAyoungerBrother?YouDo?
SweetWellCanYouLetHimKnowThatIGiveMeanHead25
LeVar inspired a nickname for penises everywhere when he starred as Lt. Cmdr. Geordi La Forge in several STAR TREK movies and series. He also understands that capitalizing a random “V” in the middle of your name is a guaranteed way to score copious amounts of vagina. He’s won Emmys, Golden Globes, Image Awards and even has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Now that I think about, it kind of doesn’t make sense to be doing a “Where Are They Now” on LeVar Burton. He still hosts Reading Rainbow, made the critically acclaimed mini series “Miracle Boys” w/ Spike Lee in 2005 and I’m pretty sure I heard him as a guest voice on Family Guy just last week. So where is he now? My guess would be swimming in money, drinking Courvoisier out the ass of some 10 year old ginger dreaming of butterflies in the sky. All I can lay claim to is my imaginary unicorn and a penis named after a Star Trek character. Wow, I’m kind of a douchebag — Oh well, at least I’m white.
Next week’s Where Are They Now: Ralph Macchio
Tags: where are they know, levar burton, ralph macchio, crossroads, steve vai, unicorns, ibanez jem
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