Tim Allen – who’s basically the upscale version of Larry the Cable Guy – will star alongside Chiwetel Ejiofor, Joe Mantegna and Randy Couture in Redbelt, a mixed martial arts movie written and directed by Tony and Oscar nominated writer/director David Mamet.

No, really. This is happening.

Allen will play a down on his luck action star who meets a wet-behind-the-ears jiu-jitsu master (Ejifor) in a bar brawl. The two set out on a quest to reclaim their lost youth by travelling the countryside on a pair of Honda Scooters and visiting Googie-style diners, or I don’t know, maybe they’re attacked by a bear and the bear chases them up a tree and steals their underwear, something wacky and full of hijinks like that, or maybe someone’s mom has cancer and they have to win the big fight to buy mom a new lung, how the fuck should I know? We now live in a universe where DAVID FUCKING MAMET is directing a MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE starring TIM FUCKING ALLEN. Anything is possible in this strange new world. If I looked out my 6th floor window and saw Rip Taylor riding a 3-headed shark whilst playing a slide trombone I’d just have accept it.

What’s next, the Geico cavemen getting their own TV show? Seriously, is that what’s next? Geico fucking cavemen?

Shit.

• Tim Allen to make directing debut with “Crazy on the Outside”
• Enjoy Lily Allen’s left breast
• Jet Li and Natalie Portman rumored for Disney’s martial arts/fantasy SNOW WHITE remake. Also, Bizarro Superman elected president.
• Spike Lee: Bla-bla-bla Hollywood bla-bla-bla Black People bla-bla-bla
• Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz go lesbian for Woody Allen…