Pirates Bowing Early
Disney distribution execs, clearly jealous of Spiderman’s massive record-breaking numbers, have decided to release “Pirates of the Caribbean III: Maybe We’ll Make It’s a Small World Into a Movie Next” a few hours early at 8pm on Thursday, May 24th. “Hell, if we can’t beat Spidey’s weekend legitsky we might as well cheat,” we imagine Disney’s suits saying over seared baby au gratin at Arnie Morton’s, unaware that the parking valets are urinating in the gas tanks of their SL500’s in the Pinnacle Complex subterranean parking.
As previously predicted and reported, Spiderman 3 took home an unbelievable 148 thousandy gazillion dollars last weekend, beating the previous opening weekend record set by Pirates Deuce. Folks at the Maus Haus are clearly miffed and want revenge. Thing is, in a real life battle Spiderman would kick the shit out of pirates. Even ninjas could kick the shit out of pirates, and ninjas aren’t even as cool as wizards. Give me a one-armed ninja and a half-assed wizard and I could take out a whole fleet of pirates, unless they were zombie pirates in which case I’d be fucked. That is unless Spiderman were on my side, then the zombie pirates would no choice but to call in Batman who’d beat the living shit out of Spiderman, even though he doesn’t have any super-powers or anything, because Batman’s way tougher than Spiderman and he fights on the side of zombie pirates right or wrong. Speculative war-time scenarios like these make me glad our nation has a nuclear arsenal at its disposal to keep such things in check.
Tags: pirates of the caribbean: at world’s end, release date, spiderman 3, box office
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