Countdown to Spiderman 3: Happy Birthday, Kirsten Dunst!
Jesus, what a fucking ugly mess.
As some of you may be aware, there’s a movie called SPIDERMAN 3 opening this week, apparently a sequel to a movie called SPIDERMAN 2 that came out a few years ago which was about spiders, and men, and the love they share. Said arachnid love-sequel is anticipated to give the box office a much (much much) needed kick in the ass, which is good news for those of you who – like me – get their paycheck from an entertainment movie corporation and were hoping to milk the studio store discount on DVD’s for at least a few more months before getting fired for gross incompetence, or sexually harassing the mailroom dudes, or whatever. One of the stars of SPIDERMAN 3 is America’s Princess, Kirsten Dunst. Really, there’s precious little I could say about how vomit-inducing Kirsten is that Brandon over at wwtdd.com hasn’t said already. Or about how Dunst, with her saggy African tribeswoman tits and crow’s feet looks like a fucking septuagenarian despite the fact that she’s still in her mid-twenties. Hey, maybe she has Hutchinson-Gilford Disease.
Like Drew Barrymore, Kirsten is one of those unfortunate child actresses whose nailability peaked at age 8 and it’s been all downhill since. However, like Drew Barrymore, Kirsten inexplicably still gets cast in movies where the audience is supposed to buy her as being attractive to heterosexual male humans. I guess a killer actress could pull it off. Kirsten can’t. But that’s not her fault, is it? The problem with Kirsten Dunst in the Spiderman franchise really comes down to poor casting. See, for you non-comic-dorks let me explain something to you about the character Mary Jane: She’s a fucking super-model. She’s supposed to be the hottest woman on EARTH. That’s what’s ironic about her falling in love with Peter Parker, the nerdy science dude next door. Mary Jane is supposed to be way way way out of Peter’s league and he gets her anyway. Like Christina Aguilera and that troll she married. That dude looks like he crawled out of the tree where Keebler cookies are made yet he’s got Christina Aguilera running around the house naked, feeding him grapes and shit. Only one rational explanation for that: Spider powers.
With Kirsten Dunst in the roll however, the irony’s gone. Peter’s actually slumming. Truthfully Aunt May’s a hotter piece of ass and looks at least 20 years younger. It ruins the whole dynamic but whatever, it’s just a dumb popcorn movie and people are only going to see it for the stupid CGI. I guess they don’t yet have CGI powerful enough to make Kirsten Dunst attractive. Maybe they tried but it made their computers explode.
Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIRSTEN!!!!!!
Tags: Spiderman 3, Kirsten Dunst, Toby McGuire, christina aguillera, Hutchinson-Gilford Disease
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2 Comments, Comment or Ping
Kirsten
Thanks alot fuckers. I’m sure your the picture of prefection. Assholes. Like I care.
Apr 30th, 2007
Brandon
preach on brother. best line in this is : “how Dunst, with her saggy African tribeswoman tits and crow’s feet looks like a fucking septuagenarian despite the fact that she’s still in her mid-twenties. Hey, maybe she has Hutchinson-Gilford Disease.” Pretty insane - I thought you made it up, but I checked and there’s actually such a thing - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Progeria
May 1st, 2007
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