While the Spiderman franchise is poised to kick off the summer blockbuster season with a “Gross National Product of a Norway” sized bang, it seems director Sam Raimi has another web-slinging, arachnid-empowered fantasy figure on his mind: Namely J.R.R. “if you’re a-rollin’ I’m-a” Tolkien’s super-midget Dildo Baggins. After Peter Jackson’s falling out with New Line’s Bob Shaye over some silly misunderstanding about “getting paid,” the director slot for Lord of the Rings prequel Hobbit is open, and Sam “talk to the hand” Raimi is “hornier than Britney Spears in a chocolate castle full of uber-potent trailer trash break-dancers” to take the gig.

What this means for Spidey 4 is anyone’s guess. Franchise’s uglier-than-a-bag-of-cancerous-lungs leading lady Kirstin Dunst has already expressed her hesitance to appear in another web-slinger flick sans Raimi, which could’ve been Sam’s plan all along. Kind of like how on “Three’s Company,” whenever crazy neighbor Larry was trying to ditch some monk-fish looking slut-bag he accidentally took home after an angel-dust fueled disco party/killing spree, he’d pretend he and Jack were like gay lovers or something? Until Mr. Furley would get a wind of it and try to get two of them evicted due to the strict “no homos” clause in the boiler-plate lease agreement? But then Janet would show up at Mr. Furley’s apartment wearing short-shorts to explain that Jack and Larry were merely auditioning for the Regal Beagle’s stage adaptation of Gore Vidal’s The City and the Pillar? This might be pretty much exactly like that.

Tags: Spiderman, Sam Raimi, Kirstin Dunst, The Hobbit, Three’s Company, Mr. Furley

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