As an 8-year-old kid growing up in Brooklyn, I really only had 3 goals in life: to own a monkey, become an American Gladiator and to bang the shit out of the hot ass daughter from ALF. Having accomplished 2 of these goals, I’ve now set forth trying to find a pet store that sells monkeys…. giggitty giggitty… giggitty goo. As Lynn Tanner, Andrea Elson confused young boys everywhere when their underoos suddenly didn’t fit as well as they did during “Bobby’s World.” From “Silver Spoons” to “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose,” Andrea had “it” and by “it,” I mean the ability to convince a guy that going to jail for rape just might be worth “it.”

So whatever happened to this brace-face sex kitten? Did she end up posing for playboy? Or following in the footsteps of her TV father Max Wright by blowing a bunch of homeless dudes for crack (“Hey Willy”)? Sadly, I don’t know. The truth is, after murdering her husband and sodomizing her with his cock, the courts deemed me “unsafe” and allowed Andrea to take a restraining order out against me. Jokes on her though, just last week I kidnapped her 8-year-old daughter and convinced her that my semen tastes like rainbows and sunshine. Who’s the douchebag now Elson? Who’s the douchebag now?