Remake Fever 3/13/2007 (No Original Ideas Left)
Diaz and Barrymore Get High, Decide To Do Another Crappy Movie Together
Disgusting skanks Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore hope to kick their respective faltering careers in the cellulite-ridden ass with a remake of Old Acquaintance, the 1943 film starring actual attractive women Bette Davis and Miriam Hopkins. Original pic was a drama about two novelists, once friends, who become bitter rivals both professionally and romantically. Remake will undoubtedly be a goofy love-triangle rom-com requiring the audience to suspend all disbelief and accept that a heterosexual man would be attracted to not only one of these pigs, but both of them. Seriously, Drew Barrymore hasn’t been sexy since she was 8 and Cameron Diaz’s face has the texture of peanut brittle. The first Charlie’s Angels movie, though fairly awful, was at least tolerable in its over-the-top tardedness but no one wants to see these ratty cougars on screen again, unless it’s footage of them being shot out of a cannon into a giant nest of wasps or something.
Remake Fever: Escape From New York with, uh… Gerard Butler?
Gerard Butler, whom you may remember from homoerotic gladiator movie 300 has signed on to play the part of Snake Plissken in the remake of Escape From New York. Yeah, okay Hollywood. That’ll work. First Superman as gay art-house fodder, then Matt Damon as Captain Kirk… now this? Let’s just make all our iconic alpha male characters into sexually ambiguous, personality-free milquetoasts. Hell, why not get Ryan Phillippe to play Ash in the Evil Dead remake? Or how about Carson Daly as John Rambo? That would be fucking awesome, huh? Yeah? Huh? Douchebags.
EDIT: I’d like to add, just being able to grow a beard doesn’t make a person macho. There are plenty of sunken-chested Russian Lit Professors with knee-length ZZ-Toppers who couldn’t fight their way out of a paper bag, never mind a city run by dangerous criminals. Truth be told I haven’t even seen 300 yet but this guy just seems way too British Empire. A new Snake? Damn, I don’t know who besides Kurt Russell could pull it off. Maybe Chuck Norris or Lobo but that’s it.
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