Star Trek XI News
STAR TREK BOLDLY GOES WIDE ON CHRISTMAS 2008
“what is… love?”
Son of God who? That’s what dorks in parents’ basements worldwide will be saying next-next Christmas morning when Santa Claus stuffs their stockings with the long-awaited 11th installment in the Stark Trek film series (has there really been 10 of those things? Jeesh). Nerdflick is said to be a “reboot” — as is all the fashion — telling the tale of a young Spock and Kirk. The slash-dot fiction fans over at Thyla are hoping for some hot shirtless Greco-Roman wrestling action, preferably well-greased with lots of corn oil.
As was previously reported, LOST svengali J.J. Abrams is slated to direct. Which means film will be great for the first two acts before devolving into a convoluted mess of loose ends by the third. Casting rumors abound. Buzz is that the enormous proboscis of Adrien Brody will play Spock, and that Matt Damon is the choice for Kirk. Yeah, okay. Matt Damon. Who was SO riveting in THE GOOD SHEPARZZzzzzzz…. Zzzz. Zzzzzz. Huh… wha… sorry, drifted off there for a bit. I’m sorry, but filling Shatner’s shoes will require a cloning machine and DNA from The Shat himself. This is Kirk. SHATNER’S KIRK. This isn’t James Bond or Batman or Superman or any one of those caped pussies, this is the man who taught outer-space the meaning of love. I’d sooner watch a sock puppet play Kirk than Matt Damon. He’s got the charisma of a stool sample and his performances are stiffer than Anna Nicole Smith’s atrophied corpse. Or Michael Jackson in a Chuck E. Cheese ball-bin full of eight-year-olds hopped up on Mountain Dew and the blood of Christ. Or me when I flex my muscles in front of a mirror. Matt Damon? Fuck that guy.
UPDATE: Experience the magic that is William Shatner pwning a producer on a voice-over session here. Yeah, okay. Matt Damon.
Tags: Star Trek, Spock, Kirck, J.J. Abrams, Adrien Brody, sci-fi
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4 Comments, Comment or Ping
George Jack
This film is going to be a disaster. Another point of continuity dropped by producers saving money by not hiring people to research these things. Even worse than in Star Trek First Contact which would constitue Star Trek VIII, when James Cromwell was miscast as Dr. Zefrem Cochrane (the scientist who discovered warp drive), nothing against Mr. Cromwell but when the character was first shown on the Star Trek episode he was played by Glen Corbett - 60’s and 70’s TV supporting actor hunk-archetype who was at least 10 inches shorter, had a full head of hair, basically looking nothing like Crowmell’s Cochrane who was supposed to be younger than Corbett’s “Coch” when Kirk met Cochrane in original series episode ‘Metamorphosis’. Any Paramount money people who still give a shit about the arc of the Trek story obviously didn’t read the treatment before greenlighting; Spock was a serving officer on the Enterprise under Captain Pike wile Kirk was probably still in 9th grade. Matt Damon was so on his game in Good Will Hunting and he’s fun in Kevin Smith movies when he makes fun of himself but he can’t open a movie anymore. Why don’t they have a film combining the premises of the Muppet Babies and those Doctor Who specials when all of the iterations/incarnations/generations of the Doctor meet and have all of the cast members of the films and series attend some sort of polygalatic kindergarten where they might solve crimes against the Federation before naptime. Maybe Beyonce’ will play Cleopatra Uhuru in the……….the thought that this movie is in development makes me feel like taking an extension cord, a toaster, and a wet fork, and going out to play on the freeway.
Mar 2nd, 2007
Jesse Custer
My pithy review of your pithy review…
“Set your phasers for hilarious!”
Mar 2nd, 2007
CMAC
My major problem with the casting is that Kirk the character was defined by an actor who worked pretty much on charisma alone – i.e. Bill Shatner – whereas Matt Damon’s calling card is his absolute lack of charisma. Unless he does outright imitation of the Shat (which would be awful), the character Damon plays will have little to do with Kirk except that they share the same name. So why bother?
Mar 2nd, 2007
Dory
I just think that the addition of the Howard Stern show’s out-take of the Shatner recording session re-proves C-Mac’s point that William Shatner is the man! So funny- I am dying. The guy has balls. You have to respect that. Where are Damon’s balls? Show me his balls and then maybe he can be Captain Kirk….
Mar 3rd, 2007
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