Before Bill O’Reilly ruled the cable news airwaves at Fox News as a tyrant and asshole, the guy was a host of “Inside Edition” a syndicated news program from 1989. It was originally similar to the programs “Hard Copy” and “A Current Affair” but became more closely resembling “Entertainment Tonight” or “The Insider.”

Turns out that the 59-year-old O’Reilly was also a short-tempered asshole in his 30’s and 40’s - check out this classic clip:

When I wrote yesterday about the supposed upcoming remake of 1992’s Bad Lieutenant – spouting my trademarked™ mélange of cynicism, sarcasm and snarkiness which makes this site unique on the internet, especially amongst entertainment bloggers based in urban centers –- I wad admittedly stricken with a sneaking suspicion that something was rotten in Denmark, and I don’t just mean Lars Von Trier’s last five movies. It was a story so bizarre, about a remake so odd and unnecessary, that it would not have surprised me one bit to find out it had merely been a falsity leaked to the trades — in an attempt to mislead ME in particular — by a certain Nu Image/Millennium operative still peeved about an incident involving a guy named Vynce Rachmann; they don’t call her Lady Vengeance for nothing, after all (Hi readers! Don’t worry if you don’t understand anything in that last sentence. I’m going somewhere with this, honest).

But two stories broke today which served on the one hand to confirm my suspicions about there being some sort of monkee-business afoot, but on the other to reveal that this was far bigger than ME, and my lovely friend LV, as it was something which encompassed the ENTIRE INDUSTRY. I realized a nefarious conspiracy of disinformation was unfolding before me like the plot to the next M. Night Shyamalan movie, only good, and aliens didn’t do it. But then who WAS behind it? Robots? Zombies? Rupert Murdoch, who is both a robot AND a zombie? These are not questions I can answer, good friends. I can only present you with my evidence, and hope that your Hoffman-be-lensed minds can handle it.

Item A: It was reported today that a Point Break sequel is in the works. Yeah, you know that movie that came out like 8 million years ago which was awesome, but only because it was both awesomely cheesy and awesomely awesome in a way that’s impossible to replicate going in with the intention to do so, lest you wind up with another Snakes on a Plane on your hands? Yup. They’re doing a sequel for it. But don’t worry, it’ll be directed by the guy who did Speed II so it’s bound to get the loving treatment it deserves.

Item B: Also breaking today was the news that Jonah Hill would be adapting “21 Jump Street” for the big screen. No, I didn’t just mistype Walter Hill, or even special effects supervisor Jonah Hall. I typed exactly what I meant, i.e. that fat kid who plays That Fat Kid in Judd Apatow movies. Obviously this will be a post-modern, self-referential comedic take on the old Fox series about cops who go undercover in schools. And that’s just what we needed folks, more pseudo-ironic nostalgia bullshit. Not enough of THAT it the world, nope.

(News flash, Americans: All that low-rent bullshit you watched as kids is still low-rent bullshit and no amount of faux iron-on tee shirts is gonna change that. You’re grown-ups now; pick up a fucking book, preferably about something non-wizard-related, which WASN’T written by some doosh-hose internet blogger).

Anyway, as you can clearly see from the evidence above, a top-secret Hidden Hand organization is merely announcing all these nonsensical sequels, remakes and TV adaptations to make us befuddled and confused; and thus our minds all the more pliable, all the more susceptible to their subliminal commands to OBEY. It’s only a matter of time before our robot-zombie lords reveal themselves for who they are. And when they do, are we going to fight? Or will we line up like sheep to labor in their salt mines? I know my answer.

Ah, yes. 1992. Pogs were all the rage, heroin was awesome, and a little band named the Spin Doctors was teaching the world that hacky-sack and rock DO mix. And then Harvey Keitel showed us his penis — even though no one asked him to — ruining everything for everyone.

And then he did it again, and again. But remember that first time? I do. Remember it like it was yesterday. What a sight it was, all… flaccid. And wrinkly. It wasn’t very large, but you know he could hurt you with it, if he was using it to rape you.

Hard to believe that Bad Lieutenant came out 16 years ago. Not much has changed since then when you think about it. The Spin Doctors still rock, heroin is still awesome, and Harvey Keitel is still flashing his junk to anyone within eyeshot. However he won’t be flashing it in the upcoming remake of Bad Lieutenant, because Nic Cage will be filling his penis-shoes in the titular role.

“Woah, wait a sec”, you sez. “They’re remaking Bad Lieutenant?”

Yup. I know it sounds like the worst idea since women’s suffrage, but hold that thought for one second: Nu Image/Millennium Films – makers of Rambo (which was admittedly awesome), the upcoming Conan movie, and pretty much every awful CGI space-robot-shark movie on the SciFi network –- are producing. And as we mentioned a paragraph ago, Nic Cage –- the same Nic Cage who tried to sell woman-punching as a heroic act in that gawdawful Neil LaBute remake of The Wicker Man (also produced by Millennium, by the way) – will star. But the one possible silver lining to this –- what under any other circumstances would be an unmitigated disaster — is the fact that Werner fucking Herzog is directing.

The first one was perfect, and there’s nothing Herzog could bring to the table (which I’m sure he’s smart enough to know). And as we’ve seen time and time and TIME again, any attempt to remake a perfect movie ends in punchline-worthy, career-ending disaster. So I’m holding out for the hope that Herzog decides to do it as a musical. Bad Lieutenant: The Musical? Directed by Werner Herzog? I’m there, FULL-ON.

If there’s one thing kids today love, it’s Fraggle Rock. The lovable singing hand puppets from HBO’s hit family series are on the minds and tongues of children everywhere, much like my enormous, throbbing… ahem. Other than Michael Jackson, Pac Man, and rock n’ roll’s Dokken, Fraggle Rock’s hold on our popular culture is incomparable. Which is why The Bros. Weinstein – known for having their fingers on the pulse of today’s youth (the pulse is located in the butthole, right?) – have decided to make a Fraggle Rock live action musical, to be directed by Corey Edwards (best known for the smash-hit animated film Hoodwinked!).

As with Jim Henson’s TV series, the Fraggle Rock movie will have puppets Gobo, Wembley, Mokey, Boober and Red interacting with human actors in ways that are wrong in the eyes of God. And as if this couldn’t get weirder, Ahmet Zappa will serve as exec producer. Yeah, that guy. Hopefully this movie will be better than his album Shampoo Horn, which was unlistenable. At least he’s trying to capitalize on the legacy of a dead guy who ISN’T his dad for a change.

“One of our main priorities when we first launched the Weinstein Company was to feature a broad range of family-friendly franchises like ‘Fraggle Rock,” TWC chairman Harvey Weinstein told Variety. “What better way to lure children back to my lair, so that I may eat them?” he fictionally added. Weinstein then devoured an entire bus full of handicapped kids in front of Variety’s horrified reporter, polished it off with a 50 gallon drum of turpentine, then wiped his befouled lips with a page from the Bible.